


Liars Chase After the Sun

by ItsAutumnHereFriend



Category: Gintama
Genre: Gen, Gintoki remembers more about Shouyou than he wants to, Mentions of Shinpachi, Mentions of kagura, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, mentions of drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-13 08:01:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29523327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ItsAutumnHereFriend/pseuds/ItsAutumnHereFriend
Summary: Miracles exist in forgetting. Gintoki knows this. But he's a liar.
Relationships: Sakata Gintoki & Yoshida Shouyou
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	Liars Chase After the Sun

**Author's Note:**

> Just my musings about Gintoki and Shouyou. This was more of a writing exercise, since I haven't written in so long. Hope you liked it! This is cross-posted on Tumblr.

There are moments when he thinks miracles exist. They exist not in the liquor he drinks, but in the silence it brings.

Sometimes silence means the cacophony in some bar he dragged himself off to overtakes him. Reminds him that there's  _ sound _ .  _ Sound means living, Gintoki. Sound gives way for existence _ . And he hates--the glass in his hands don't tremble,  _ they don't dammit _ \--hates the way he can feel Shouyou standing behind him, the same tender smile like the sun poking through the leaves of trees, only to turn and find no one. No one but sound. 

Sometimes silence means forgetting. 

By way of miracle, there are moments when Gintoki forgets. When he stumbles out of the bar, sun rising like a death toll, he thinks he should have told Kagura he won't be coming home tonight. 

He forgets in his racing thoughts, the smile of a teacher he had come to love first amongst war beaten memories, had come to think of home when he saw it. 

It's all he's ever asked for. To forget.

It's all he never wanted. 

It's a miracle.  _ Miracles don't exist. _

Like a fool, he still searches for ways to remember. 

He thinks Edo should have been everything Shouyou wasn't. Loud, brash, uncaring. With grit teeth, he realizes Shouyou is in every rock unturned, every rock hidden away from the cold of Edo. 

It keeps him up at night. He sees Shouyou in Shinpachi and Kagura's smiles. He sees him in the warmth that finds him, from people he least expects it from. Like the sun following after him. 

Like a curse. 

Edo should have been all the things Shouyou was not. But now? Now it wouldn't have mattered where he ran to. The sun follows after him like a curse. 

It rises overhead. Unfettering in its light. It doesn't falter even when Gintoki does. 

His footsteps halt, hand leaning on a wall of a building. People pass by, not even a strange look casted aside for him.

His shadow stands melding within concrete. Shadows are far beyond him--Shouyou. He scoffs. It was easy to forget. A veil followed even him. The support of the sun used like a crutch, Gintoki couldn't see how the shadows could swallow a person whole. 

He can't lift his gaze from it. 

He blinks. The shadow he had feared stands before him; Shouyou. Hands behind his back and a smile Gintoki knows means nagging until the sun sets. 

But it smells like ash. Ash from the fires that took everything from him. Ash from the time he had-

Nausea builds in his throat. His hands shake, but he doesn't know if it's because he misses the sword at his hip, or… He doesn't want to think of another option. So he shuts his eyes. Turns tail to the riverbank. And Shouyou follows, when it has always been the opposite.

A mistake. The sun is harsher here, beating down into grass, shimmering and swimming in the river. 

Gintoki sits. Shoulders tense, he finds no relief. Hands grip on trembling thighs, a poor distraction. 

Here, the shadow is stronger. 

He couldn't see it'd be him cutting off the light. Blinded by the strength it shines, blinded by unwavering faith. In another fantasy, he would have never met Shouyou. In another fantasy, he would have ran, if only to save him. 

Yet his eyes continue to follow its trail--if the sun wouldn't scorch him, he would stare at it until it smiled back--searching for a voice so fragmented his memories lose noise. 

"I want this," his voice doesn't break. But it is a whisper, one the wind overtakes. 

With a breeze that nearly sends him reeling, the clouds mask the view of the sun. Gintoki gives a wry grin, ignoring the way his hands shake. "What? Don't be angry. I killed you, after all."

Just like his memories, Edo fades. Light fades. The noise turns his hands numb. What's the use of a samurai if he can't wield a sword? 

Too numb to hold it to protect who they all went to war for. Too numb to remember how to live.

So he sighs, louder than the winds can hide, and knows he's a liar.


End file.
